you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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