New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
