are you still at the devil's house?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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