One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
