I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
