dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
