1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
