Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
