Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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