My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
