batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
