She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
