he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
