Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
