You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
