my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
