Yo dont text me then not text me
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
