I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
