Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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