areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
high people should be assigned attendants
Found the puke drawer
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
