I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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