Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
