So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
