My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
