i wish semen tasted like chocolate
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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