he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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