Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
