he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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