I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
