Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
