this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm like, not good at living.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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