Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
