he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So much Jack, so little girl.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
