in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
