Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
