I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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