dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
