I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
