I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
