hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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