Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
