you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
