i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
