I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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