Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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