The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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