Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
