Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
