she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
