It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
